Forging A New Purpose
On International Women’s Day
Even before turning sixty last Fall and the weight of another new decade plopped itself down on my shoulders, my thoughts turned frequently to the question of purpose. Specifically, what was mine. Indeed, this newsletter is chock full of that subject and my notebooks are flooded with even more. Lists and underlined words, diagrams and checkmarks, encouraging me to consider what activities am I good at, what things do I love, and what does the world need.
All were intended to help in my search to discover what is—or should be—my reason for being. To dig through the daily distractions and uncover, finally once and for all, what I am doing right, but also what I’m doing wrong. To question, in the words of Dolly Parton, who I am, and to do so on purpose.
Always, without fail, the answers to my inner discourse landed on actions like writing, planning, being outside in nature, and generally cutting through the bullshit we’re taught about life to live simply, within my means and without loads of extra stuff. At some point, it resulted in the creation of this magical, blended intersection of passion, talent and fulfillment that I could practically sum up as my reason for being. (Ikigai, if you’re not familiar and interested in conducting your own research, but read on before you do so as I have some helpful and much necessary advice.)
This was not my own work, however. That last part especially: living simply, within my means, without loads of stuff. The nitty-gritty, if you will, of all that messy, inner-muckety-muck dialogue, the true-end-result part of asking myself the question: Who Am I. I had help. In fact, it was mostly Franca who did that, as she showed me again and again and in so many ways that such a life was possible. To be honest, I doubt I would ever have arrived there myself had it not been for her. And her patience with me.
Life is not a destination, it’s not some place on a map at which we arrive. Not some flowering meadow of peaceful paradise. Nor is it some thoughtfully-researched illustration on paper. More often than not it’s a mountain and that mountain, for one reason or another, must be moved. She, more than anyone I’ve ever known, is proof that moving it is possible.
“The mystery of human existence”, Dostoyevsky wrote, “lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”
Today, on this International Women’s Day, I’d like to give particular and much deserved thanks to the woman who shaped me more than anyone else, encouraging me to grow, giving me permission to lead my own life and for teaching me that the goal of that life is not happiness but meaning. All this despite the fact that she, herself, from a very young age, has not always been permitted to pursue the same.
Selflessly, she has endeavored to help me discover the best version of myself, and the passions I harbor, the talents I possess, the identification of the ways in which I might use them to make the world a better place, are all a result of having spent these many years in her presence, bestowed with her guidance, a benefactor of her thoughtful advice. Of that I will be forever thankful.
But gratitude can feel empty, if not arrived at through a fair measure of active listening. And listening, especially for men, is not our strong point. We like to think it is and I sometimes say it of myself. And maybe in some circles I am, but not the circle that matters most to me, the one which finds her standing front and center. Even worse than absence of listening is the man's inability, or desire perhaps, to give credit where credit is due. Something for which I also have not done a good job, not hardly. Nor have I stood when I should have and spoken out in her honor, or defense, in many of the moments that mattered most to her. That needs to change. For me, and for most of us men.
It's time more of us publicly admit that the world for women is not shaping to become a better, more equal place, and it's time for us to finally stand up and stand out against the stupid machismo bullshit that has ruined the lives of so many. There has got to be a better future. We need to consider that we've been measuring purpose and achievement all wrong and need to stop climbing whatever ladders are put in front of us and start asking if they are even leaning against the right walls.
We’ve been raised to not question ladders though, only to climb, and when the climbing turns difficult, we look to someone else to give us a leg up, at the sake even of reaching their own summit, in order to make us feel whole and spare us the final steps of growing up in order to reach our fullest potential. To their credit—and our discredit—women have made this possible because where you find women you find, as I did, optimism and courage. You find potential, wonder, intelligence and respect. You find the kind of magic that can move mountains.
Maya Angelou wrote, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”.
This is one of those times.
Talk less. Listen more. Speak out. Do better.
And maybe, now maybe more than ever, when the topic of purpose comes up in conversation with whomever is as special to you as Franca is special to me, you’ll not ask what more you, yourself, should be doing to find your own purpose in life, but ask what can you do to help her discover hers.